The Long Goodbye

Lots of people ask me how it feels to have a senior. Their kids are small, or they're just entering adolescence. So I tell them all the right things.

It feels exciting--we've been preparing him to leave us one day, and we're almost there. He's so ready. Exciting and rewarding, right? It feels stressful--planning the graduation party, while remembering to enjoy the moment? Anyone? It feels like an out of body experience. Other people go through this stage of life, always other people. So it can't be me. But most of all? The part I keep to myself?

It feels like a year long goodbye.

The last first day of school picture. The last birthday at home. The last cross country meet. The last awards banquet. The last deer hunt. The last Christmas season with him living in our home. The last, the last, the last...

I feel like my heart can only take so many of these, and yet, they stretch out over an entire year. It hurts over and over again. For a year.

Yes, I still have him here. He still sits around the table with us and makes us laugh. I still give him a hug every night and tell him I love him. I don't want to miss this.

But sometimes, when he's out with his friends or away from the house for some reason or another, I'll look at his chair and think, "This is what it will be like all the time next year. Empty." And then I cry. Just a tear or two, because soon he'll be home and I have a family to care for.

The Christmas season has really made these moments come around more often for me. When I unpacked his ornaments I thought, "Next year I'll have to set these aside for him to hang up during Christmas break. Will he be home for Christmas break? He chose a university 900 miles from home, so he'd better be!" I hear a song that he likes and I think of him. And I imagine singing along without him here, and I just don't know how I'm going to carry this hurt.

The year long goodbye. I can't rip you off like a bandaid. I get to endure every single last thing you bring my way all year long, while telling myself to be grateful I still have you. And I am grateful.

My boy is an 18 year old man. He has plans and dreams of his own, and I get a front row seat to it all. This sounds very logical, doesn't it? But here's the thing. Moms hear heartbeats first, and logic second. Like that moment I first heard my son's heartbeat swooshing through the doctor's crackly speaker, I heard love. I did not even for a second hear that heart beating and think anything about the pain of childbirth. The fatigue of sleepless nights. The struggles with discipline, or the pain of letting go.

Likewise, when I walk through these lasts with my son, I think about all that I'm loving, and what I'm about to lose when it's over. I'm really not thinking of the fact that he's ready. And that we've raised him to leave one day. You know, the logical stuff.

When the year long goodbye is over, the new beginnings will start. We'll enter a new season, and life will be different. It will become our new normal. And everything will be all right in the end. It's getting there that's the hard part. The long goodbye.

Braylen' with his new car and our Ginger girl

Kaleb bought Braylen's truck.
He'll drive the Honda until May.

Hello Fall

From March to October in a flash! That's the story of my life these days. Three teenagers keep me on the go, go, go for sure. Every new stage with my kids becomes my new favorite. That's how I cope with all of the changes that come with raising kids. They're not meant to stay little, after all.

So, where do I begin? When I left off in March, we were spending spring break at home for the first time, maybe ever. Now we're almost done with the first term of this new school year. Braylen's a senior--a senior!--while Kaleb's a sophomore, and Aaron's a 7th grader. I take whatever moments I share with them, usually while driving them somewhere or feeding them a meal, and I thank God for these boys of mine. They're becoming independent, needing me less and less. I tell myself it's as it should be. I'm alone with my thoughts more often than ever before, which brings me to the biggest change in my life this year.

I enrolled in an RN refresher program to reactivate my nursing license. When a local surgery center called me out of the blue in January, offering me the chance to go back to work as a nurse, I couldn't find a reason to say no. They were willing to wait for me, so I said yes to everything God led me to. Through every step of this process, He showed me very clearly that He was leading me along this path, providing everything I needed. I quit my job at the bookstore and went "back to school." From February 15th-May 25th, I worked through the online portion of the course. In June I completed the BLS certification and clinical passport in time for my upcoming 30 hours of clinical experience. On June 21st Derek and I celebrated 20 years of marriage, and the next day I left for my clinicals. I was so scared! I had to pass a math test, over a dozen clinical check off skills, and work two 12 hour shifts in a hospital. After 16 years away from nursing, I was a bit rusty. Ha! It felt like my nursing brain was coming back to life, and instead of re-learning everything, I was remembering everything I had already learned. Every single step of the way, God showed his faithfulness to me. Never in my life have I experienced such clear leading. He literally took my hand and directed my steps.

On June 1st I officially began employment with the surgery center. They took me through orientation and training, so that when my RN license came through at the end of June, I was ready to work there as a nurse. I'm usually there two days per week. Sometimes I leave the house before my boys leave for school, which can be a bit tricky for Kaleb's early morning band practices, but so far it's working out. Aaron's riding his bike to school a lot, and of course Braylen gets himself wherever he needs to go. Derek's worked the night shift since February, so he has some flexibility in the morning. I'm always done by 3:00, a lot of times earlier, so I don't miss out on after school activities. I've discovered I really enjoy my job. My patients are very kind--some of them really make me laugh! I'm meeting people from all walks of life, serving them when they're most vulnerable. They're all healthy, which is a wonderful perk of working in outpatient surgery! My coworkers are my new friends, and at this point in my life, I can't imagine not having them in it.

Summer of 2017 in my mind became one big summer of work. Derek couldn't take any time off from February-September 1st because his sergeant partner was on light duty. I had my hands full with school and learning my new job. Braylen worked full time on the farm. Kaleb worked as a lifeguard--his first job!--and he had summer PE and driver's education. Aaron mowed lawns, and was really the only one in our family with down time. I tried to make sure he didn't slip through the cracks. We went to the pool a few times while Kaleb worked, we took lots of trips to the library, and he played with his friends a lot. Another label for this summer is our Marvel Summer. We watched as many Marvel movies as we could, since it gave us something to do together. We took no official vacation. We didn't go anywhere except the lake. Which leads me to one more aspect of our summer...

Jet skis. We bought jet skis--3 of them, to be exact. Derek and Kaleb spent countless hours working on them, and in the end, we sold one that never did work quite right. These jet skis became our "vacation." They brought happiness and frustration, literally. I think it was a good lesson for all of us that stuff will never bring you joy. We sure did have fun with them, don't get me wrong! But I never want to forget that all of the fun we had came with a price. Not just money, but gobs and gobs of time.

Braylen turned 18 this summer. I turned 41. We made it through 8 long months of night shift for Derek. Today is actually his first day shift, so for the next couple of weeks we'll be in transition mode. Aaron joined the cross country team at his middle school, and it's been a good experience for him. As he says, it "keeps me occupied." :) Kaleb is in marching band, and that's like a sport. But the practice is before school instead of after it. And he's swimming 2-3 evenings per week, getting ready for the winter swim season. Braylen's running cross country again, although he's only doing it to be with his friends. He doesn't love the sport. (I'm like, who does?) :) But it keeps him in shape and he works hard at practice every day. He agreed to be the student rep for a community prayer group that meets monthly on the high school football field, and I'm so very proud of him for stepping up like that. This group wouldn't have been able to meet if Braylen didn't agree to go before the administration and call it his student group. He's secure in who he is, Whose he is, and that means more to me than any athletic or academic achievement out there.

Here's to a memorable fall! Our last one with all 3 sons living in our home. It's hard to believe, it really is. I started this blog when our boys weren't even in school yet. And now it's almost over. Here's our most recent family picture--a birthday photo, of course. :)

Right Now and a Recap

Well...it's been 8 months since I've written anything in here about our family and what we've been up to. That makes me sad! I don't have a good reason for neglecting my blog. I guess I let life carry us along, day by day, and here we are in the middle of our spring break, 2017.

For the first time in a lot of years, our family isn't taking a trip over spring break. No trip to Ohio, Illinois, or Colorado this year. It's strange to be hanging out at home all week. Honestly, it's kind of boring. But we're all healthy, the kids are growing up to be fine young men, and if not taking a spring break trip is my only complaint, then I'm not going to complain. :)

Since I left off in late July last year, here's a recap of major events:

July 28th-31st, Aaron takes his pre-middle school trip to visit Aunt Sarena and Uncle Dave. I took him there, hoping to visit with some friends while Aaron hung out with family. Well. A major hail storm totaled my van the night we arrived. The house took a beating, too! It was quite memorable for Aaron! :) We spent one full day enjoying the cog railway up to Pike's Peak, a delicious lunch at City BBQ, a hike through our favorite parts of Garden of the gods Park, and an evening at home recovering from our early (and busy) day. The rest of the trip? Aaron had the stomach flu--both directions, actually. It was terrible. Did I mention we were sharing a bed all weekend? He wanted to go home, but I didn't want to attempt a 6 hour drive with him that sick. I snuck away for a few hours and met my friend Kristen for lunch. The weekend wasn't at all what we planned for, but we made the best of it. My van was drivable--it just needed a new windshield once we were home. The golf ball and tennis ball size dents all over the hood and roof give it character. Ha!

August 11th, Braylen turns 17 years old. Why does 17 sound so much older than 16? He is still a delight to my heart, even though he's more of a man than a boy.

August 12-14, we take a family vacation to the Niobrara River for a float trip! We camped 2 nights and rode tubes down the river for 4 hours on Saturday late morning-afternoon. What a riot! We laughed a lot as a family, and made great memories on this trip. It was a birthday wish for me, and Derek went along with it and made it happen!

August 15th, I turn 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The puzzle from my parents is complete!

Sarena and Jacki fixed a birthday brunch for me, so sweet!

He used my other turkey baster on his truck...so now I have a new one!

An ice cream date with Kaleb, a great gift!

Aaron knows just what I need around the house. :)

How did we get to be 40 and 41?

Not many people can tour their new high school on their 40th birthday!

Our kids will make this new school their own.

On August 17th, Derek surprised me with a pool party with my friends!!! He pulled off an incredible surprise, and my sisters-in-law worked hard with him to make it special. I felt very loved, and decided turning 40 is definitely something to celebrate.

Surprise!!!

Sarena, Heidi, Geri, Angie
Kristy, Lindsey, Me, Pam, Gretchen, Kristin, Bayley
Rebekah was here too, just not for the picture!

We had a yummy BBQ rib dinner, with all of my favorites!

Best pool party ever!

The breeze kept blowing out my candles!

My sisters :)

August 18th, my grandma and aunts and uncles drove through Nebraska on their way to Colorado and stopped at our house! I've lived here for 19 years and this is the first time they've been to my house. I loved having them here, even if it was only for an hour or two.

Uncle Jim, Kaleb, Me, Uncle Eddie, Aunt Donna, Aaron, Grandma, Aunt Karen
and Walter the dog :)

My Grandma Dorothy, 93 years old and traveling across the country.
I want to be like her when I'm 93!

August 19th-21st, we took a quick family trip to Colorado to go to a Cubs-Rockies game! (That's where my grandma and family are going as well.) It's about time our boys went to a major league baseball game. Of course we were there for the Cubs. :) We stayed with Sarena and Dave, and happily--there was no hail and no sickness. What fun to see our Cubs win their game on the 20th, and when they won the World Series later in the fall, we could say we saw them play in person this season.

August 22nd and 23rd, school starts. Braylen is a Junior, Kaleb is a Freshman, and Aaron's in 6th grade. Lots of changes all at once for this mom. The boys handle it much better than I do.

First day for 6th graders and freshmen

First day for juniors

A gift from Eric, what a wonderful way to keep celebrating!

Taking Kaleb to early morning band practice at our new high school is a 12 mile round trip for me. I try to enjoy the times with him, for all too soon I will miss these days. The sunrise begins on my trip back home, and most mornings are really pretty. One morning I spotted a large old house along my route on fire--the police weren't even there yet, so I reached for my phone to call 911. Then I heard sirens, so I put my phone away. That house has been bulldozed now, and you can't even tell it was ever there.

Lots and lots of cross country meets and marching band performances.

September 25-30, Derek and I take a trip to Savannah, Georgia! We went with our friends Jay and Teri, and had an amazing time. While the guys were at their conference, Teri and I walked all over the historic district, used Uber to visit Tybee Island and a nature center, and soaked up the sun at the hotel pool. The whole week was like a dream, really. Our Savannah trip deserves its own post.

Mid-October, my parents come out to visit for a week. Truly, our week together was one of the best!

November means hunting, band concerts, Thanksgiving, and of course, Kaleb's birthday. He's 15 now, and his big news is his learner's permit! He's beyond excited to finally be driving!

Opening weekend of rifle deer season!
We all got a good laugh at Grandpa's hat. :)

Aaron's first concert :)

Thanksgiving 2016

Turkeys!!!

More turkeys!!!

The birthday boy with his brothers--and they're all in blue!

Our newest driver!

Christmas--We planned for our very first Christmas in Ohio with my parents, but Derek had to work the 23rd-25th. So we decided to make the trip on the 27th instead. On Christmas Day, Derek was hurt. He pulled some muscles and tendons and ligaments in his hip while making an arrest, and I wasn't sure if he would be able to make the long drive out east. Thankfully, everything worked out, and we all had a great time in Ohio. It may not be "home," but I'm learning that "home" with my mom and dad is wherever they are living--no matter the house or the town or the state! Derek had several months of PT for his hip and he was able to work through all of it.

Kaleb's first high school concert!

Christmas Day

Derek and Braylen helped Dad get started finishing his basement craft room for Mom.

Will with two of his big cousins :)

Emily likes her gift from us.

We visited the Creation Museum and loved it!

Happy 2017!

Kaleb joined the swim team in November and the meets really began in January. There were a LOT of swim meets, and I loved every single one! He swam the 50 and 100 free, and the 100 back. He enjoyed it and improved his times with almost every race. Super fun way to brighten up our winter! Oh, and we had more early morning times together--this time it was for swimming instead of band.

Home basketball games gave us something to do during January and February Friday/Saturday nights. Braylen joined the Rowdy section for almost every game, and Kaleb played in the pep band a lot. Aaron was my buddy at the games, since Derek worked them or worked his shift.

Toga night at a home basketball game

Now we're at the beginning of track season. For the first time all school year, Braylen is able to drive Kaleb to school in the morning and home after practice. Hooray for their schedules lining up this spring! Both boys have good friend groups, and they keep busy with school and sports and friends. Of course there's plenty of hanging out at home, too. Especially during this spring break week.

Derek built this headboard for our room!

Then he added reading lights.

And a rope light! 

Braylen's junior prom was March 12th. He took his friend Emma, and they had a good time. Derek worked at the dance and I helped out at post prom.

I'd say that's about as caught up as I can get right now. Hopefully it won't be 8 more months before I write another post. This one took a few days to finish!!!