Everything's Changing

We're taking Braylen to college in 17 days, and this is what I'm feeling right now.

I've reached the point where tears spring up all the time for me, with no warning, and it's a battle to keep them from spilling over. A song, a laugh, a look, a memory...it doesn't take much. I walked into his room today to wash his sheets and realized next time we put new sheets on his bed it will be the one in his dorm room.

His birthday is 2 weeks from today, so birthday prep and college readiness all gets rolled up into one big emotional package. And to tie it all up with a big red bow? The day after we return from taking Braylen to school in Ohio, Derek leaves home for three months to attend Command School, a requirement for work.

I am trusting that God will provide for my every need, because right now it just feels like a whole lot of hurt and pain.

I'm going to miss the way we were. Braylen will come home again, but things will never be as they are right now. I'm living in the last days, so to speak, of almost 19 years of parenting. Soon we will watch Braylen leave us and begin his future, his life apart from us.

I remember how I felt as the new college freshman. My parents released me well, and I want to give that same gift to my son. He's excited to start college, and if I set aside the loss I will endure, I'm excited for him! Truly, there is great joy in these last days at home.

We've had really wonderful vacations together as a family this summer. We went camping in the Black Hills at our favorite campground, revisiting some of our favorite stops and exploring some new ones. It rained almost the entire time, but that gave us lots of family time in the camper that we wouldn't have had on sunny days. We also took a trip to Colorado with all of our extended family, the third time we've done this at "The Big House" in Tabernash. For an entire week we had fun together, kind of like our last hurrah of summer, without the outside influences of "real life." I'm extremely thankful for those vacations.

There are many times this summer where I've allowed myself to remember the good old days. :) I sit on my porch swing and remember the boys playing in the driveway, lighting off fireworks every summer, running through sprinklers, riding bikes, and driving a Jeep around the circle. I look at the kids next door playing on our swing set and I remember my kids playing on that same swing set. I remember all of my boys' friends, from when they were small to where they are now. I've loved having them here for all kinds of reasons. Braylen recently used our driveway to teach one of his buddies how to change oil in his vehicle. Together with my boys, they bring so much life to our home.

Remembering all of these things and pondering them in my heart is all part of the process of letting go. I'll be ready, because Braylen is ready.

Braylen: Class of 2018

All of the years in school. All of the trips back and forth. All of the tests, homework, and study groups. All of the sporting events, practices, and times with the Rowdies. All of his friends! It's all led to this day. Our Braylen graduated from high school today.  

Congratulations, graduate!

Our family

Braylen's loving grandparents

On his way to his ceremony

All of the months of planning, shopping, and preparing. The guest list. The invitations. The food. The decorations. The pictures. All of the weather uncertainties. It's all led to this day. What a FUN party we had with our loved ones, celebrating Braylen!!!

Celebrating Braylen with a fun party!

He stood by the front door and greeted the guests.

The garage is transformed for a fun gathering space.

"He grew up in pictures."
Our graduation party theme!

I have so many thoughts, and so many emotions, but my overwhelming feeling right now is relief. We did it! He graduated, and we pulled off an amazing celebration. And for tonight, that is enough. :)

Aaron's 14, and I write every 6 months

I'm working on graduation party planning. That involves lots and lots of pictures. My blog is such a big help to me as I look for pictures to upload into shutterfly! But as I'm working away, sometimes I stop and read my posts from the years gone by and it's like a sucker punch to the gut. These years have really flown by.

From October (my last entry) to April, this school year is almost over. Although we're expecting a blizzard tomorrow, so I'm having a hard time believing Braylen's graduation party is really one month from today. But the calendar doesn't lie, even if the weather is confused.

First things first--Aaron is 14! My goodness, it's hard to believe. We let him open his main gifts last night, since today we knew Braylen would be in Omaha at a track meet, and Derek would be there watching him. Our Wii died a while back, and we've been using my parents' Wii. It finally died too. So with lots of changes up ahead, Derek and I figured it was time for another change. Aaron opened his PS4 last night, and all 3 of our boys are thrilled!

Braylen and Kaleb bought Aaron a blue remote

This morning we were all together as a family of 5, so we sang Happy Birthday to Aaron when he got out of the shower. I'll never forget him smiling ear to ear as we sang to him in the living room, dripping wet in his towel. :) Braylen and Kaleb left for school immediately after that.

The rest of today it's just Kaleb and me here with Aaron, so he opened the rest of his presents. I took him to drum lessons, out for cookies at Eileen's, and for supper he picked Raising Cane's. Then it was off to flag football practice. Thursdays for Aaron are busy days, and his birthday happened to fall on a Thursday!

Tonight he's playing Battlefront II with Kaleb, and they're doing lots of laughing and having fun. Braylen ran a great meet, and I'm thankful Derek could be there with him.

Let's see...what's new since October? We have a hot tub! It's amazing!! Derek really went above and beyond to fulfill one of my dreams of owning my own spa. Ahhhh. My job is going really well. I still love working at the surgery center. The mornings are early, but it allows me to work just a couple of days per week.

Kaleb's grown taller this year, passing Braylen up. He and Derek wear the same shoe size, and they share a pair of black dress shoes. Someday we'll have to buy Kaleb his own pair. Kaleb turned 16 and he's been driving the Honda to school and back. Those early morning swim practices sure were nice to have him drive himself to! He had an amazing swim season, and watching him swim is my favorite way to spend the months of January and February.

Braylen has grown very strong, and his brothers like to talk about how buff he's become. He's been accepted to Cedarville University, and he'll be majoring in Criminal Justice. His senior year of high school has been filled with tough classes and some fun ones, study groups, cross country, intramural basketball games, outings with friends, a camping trip in February, and prom with Ivy and his friends. He's working hard at track, calculus, AP Stats this spring.

For Christmas my parents came here, and we had snow on Christmas Day. My favorite memory from that time together was when Mom, Aaron, and I went in the hot tub on Christmas Eve and big, fat snowflakes fell gently onto our heads.

It's impossible to recount everything we did and experienced these last 6 months. But I can share what I'm trying to do right now. There's one month left before Braylen's done with school here at home. From preschool through high school, it's ending. I've been looking at August, and all the changes we'll be going through. Yes, we need to prepare for it. We need to figure out finances, teach Braylen how to manage finances, and get him ready for dorm life--college life--900+miles away from home. But in this next month--I need to set that aside. I need to live in the moment so that I don't miss a memory. These days are FUN! These days are EXCITING! These days are filled with reasons to CELEBRATE! I mean, he's worked all of his life to get to this point. I'm not going to miss it by worrying about all of the changes in August.

And so, that's our life right now. I don't want to miss a thing.

The Long Goodbye

Lots of people ask me how it feels to have a senior. Their kids are small, or they're just entering adolescence. So I tell them all the right things.

It feels exciting--we've been preparing him to leave us one day, and we're almost there. He's so ready. Exciting and rewarding, right? It feels stressful--planning the graduation party, while remembering to enjoy the moment? Anyone? It feels like an out of body experience. Other people go through this stage of life, always other people. So it can't be me. But most of all? The part I keep to myself?

It feels like a year long goodbye.

The last first day of school picture. The last birthday at home. The last cross country meet. The last awards banquet. The last deer hunt. The last Christmas season with him living in our home. The last, the last, the last...

I feel like my heart can only take so many of these, and yet, they stretch out over an entire year. It hurts over and over again. For a year.

Yes, I still have him here. He still sits around the table with us and makes us laugh. I still give him a hug every night and tell him I love him. I don't want to miss this.

But sometimes, when he's out with his friends or away from the house for some reason or another, I'll look at his chair and think, "This is what it will be like all the time next year. Empty." And then I cry. Just a tear or two, because soon he'll be home and I have a family to care for.

The Christmas season has really made these moments come around more often for me. When I unpacked his ornaments I thought, "Next year I'll have to set these aside for him to hang up during Christmas break. Will he be home for Christmas break? He chose a university 900 miles from home, so he'd better be!" I hear a song that he likes and I think of him. And I imagine singing along without him here, and I just don't know how I'm going to carry this hurt.

The year long goodbye. I can't rip you off like a bandaid. I get to endure every single last thing you bring my way all year long, while telling myself to be grateful I still have you. And I am grateful.

My boy is an 18 year old man. He has plans and dreams of his own, and I get a front row seat to it all. This sounds very logical, doesn't it? But here's the thing. Moms hear heartbeats first, and logic second. Like that moment I first heard my son's heartbeat swooshing through the doctor's crackly speaker, I heard love. I did not even for a second hear that heart beating and think anything about the pain of childbirth. The fatigue of sleepless nights. The struggles with discipline, or the pain of letting go.

Likewise, when I walk through these lasts with my son, I think about all that I'm loving, and what I'm about to lose when it's over. I'm really not thinking of the fact that he's ready. And that we've raised him to leave one day. You know, the logical stuff.

When the year long goodbye is over, the new beginnings will start. We'll enter a new season, and life will be different. It will become our new normal. And everything will be all right in the end. It's getting there that's the hard part. The long goodbye.

Braylen' with his new car and our Ginger girl

Kaleb bought Braylen's truck.
He'll drive the Honda until May.