Different and the Same

Well, we made it. We survived the college drop off, and Braylen's been there for 3 months now. He's doing really well, as we hoped and prayed (and knew) he would! More on that in a bit. Derek's been through Northwestern University's Police Command School. He studied really hard and finished his class with a high grade and some new ideas to implement at work. Kaleb, Aaron, and I survived our days and nights on our own. We took the good and the bad, the challenges and the surprises, and came out stronger because of it. And the best news of all? Braylen comes home for Thanksgiving break in 3 days. :)

Moving Braylen into his dorm room

Kaleb, Justin (Braylen's roommate) and Braylen walk to his dorm.

Lots of things are different now. 

Kaleb's become the older brother at home. He puts Aaron in his place like always, but he doesn't have Braylen here to do the same for him. With study groups, marching band, weight lifting, and swim team, Kaleb's gone a lot. Much more than during his sophomore year. About 2 weeks after Derek left for his training, Aaron sat at the kitchen table and said, "I feel like I lost my dad and both of my brothers at the same time." I knew exactly what he meant. I missed the everyday conversations that we all used to share. Aaron and I had plenty of time together, but we missed the rest of us.

On September 20th I found out my job is coming to an end in December. I was crushed to hear that our surgery center will be closing when our doctors join a different medical group. All of that work I went through to return to nursing--now what? I texted Derek and asked him to call me on his lunch break. He was a good listener, realizing I didn't have the answers to our questions. I clung to one truth: God brought me this far. He won't abandon me now.

With all of these changes we've been through this fall, what remains the same?

Braylen likes to remind me that he's away at college--he's not dead! We hear from him every day. He's still "here" in so many ways. Something will happen and we'll say, "Braylen would say (fill in the blank) if he were here right now." Our favorite way to stay connected as a family is through Snapchat. I never could have predicted how much I would LOVE Snapchat, but I do. Our communication is different than when we all lived at home, but the end result is the same. We're still a family. We're different, and we're the same.

One of many Snapchats

I visited Braylen during Parents Weekend.

We missed Derek! But I'm thankful I could go.

We stayed busy on weekends this fall at parades, football games, and marching competitions. Aaron ran cross country for his school. We absolutely loved going to every event our boys were in. Because Derek was away at Command School, the cross country meets became a place to see him during the week. He drove there in his own vehicle, and after the meet he went back to the academy. But we still cheered Aaron on together. It was different, and it was the same.

Determination

"A Pirate's Revenge"

8th Grade Marching Band

Kaleb front row trumpet!

Now that Derek's training is behind him, he's back on his shift at the PD. He's currently on nights. The Police Chief retired while Derek was away, and the new Chief starts in January. At least one Captain is retiring in January. Things are different for Derek at work, and they're also the same.

I'm so proud of him!

My job is winding down at the surgery center. I've applied and interviewed for a new job, and last week I accepted the offer. I'll be working in the Endoscopy unit at a hospital here in town. Instead of orthopedic procedures, I'll be getting patients ready and recovering them from endoscopic procedures. Also, my coworkers accepted jobs at the same hospital. Three of them will be in the Endoscopy unit with me. It will be different, and it will be the same. 

I love my coworkers and my job. I'm excited for what's next!

It's ironic that I don't like change, and yet I've had plenty of it these past few months. If you didn't know me, you'd think my life was a bad country song. My son left home, my husband moved out, and I lost my job. Ha! 

Through it all, I have experienced God-sized provision and peace. I can see God preparing me for this fall all along. 20 years of Derek's shift changes, working holidays and weekends, prepared me to be without him for 10 weeks. Braylen's transition to college was natural and right. He was ready for the next step, and we're very blessed with ways to keep in touch. Kaleb's greater independence is necessary, because all too soon it will be his turn to leave home. Like so many things in life, the anticipation and worry of what's to come is worse than walking through it. And since God brought me back to nursing, of course He opened up another door for me to walk through. This new job happens to pay better, so that's definitely a plus!

Thanksgiving is next week, and it's always been my favorite time of year. Now it's even MORE special to me. God has shown me in 2018 that if He brings me to it, He will walk me through it. That's more than enough of a reason to have a thankful heart. 

And my boy is coming home!!!!!!!

Everything's Changing

We're taking Braylen to college in 17 days, and this is what I'm feeling right now.

I've reached the point where tears spring up all the time for me, with no warning, and it's a battle to keep them from spilling over. A song, a laugh, a look, a memory...it doesn't take much. I walked into his room today to wash his sheets and realized next time we put new sheets on his bed it will be the one in his dorm room.

His birthday is 2 weeks from today, so birthday prep and college readiness all gets rolled up into one big emotional package. And to tie it all up with a big red bow? The day after we return from taking Braylen to school in Ohio, Derek leaves home for three months to attend Command School, a requirement for work.

I am trusting that God will provide for my every need, because right now it just feels like a whole lot of hurt and pain.

I'm going to miss the way we were. Braylen will come home again, but things will never be as they are right now. I'm living in the last days, so to speak, of almost 19 years of parenting. Soon we will watch Braylen leave us and begin his future, his life apart from us.

I remember how I felt as the new college freshman. My parents released me well, and I want to give that same gift to my son. He's excited to start college, and if I set aside the loss I will endure, I'm excited for him! Truly, there is great joy in these last days at home.

We've had really wonderful vacations together as a family this summer. We went camping in the Black Hills at our favorite campground, revisiting some of our favorite stops and exploring some new ones. It rained almost the entire time, but that gave us lots of family time in the camper that we wouldn't have had on sunny days. We also took a trip to Colorado with all of our extended family, the third time we've done this at "The Big House" in Tabernash. For an entire week we had fun together, kind of like our last hurrah of summer, without the outside influences of "real life." I'm extremely thankful for those vacations.

There are many times this summer where I've allowed myself to remember the good old days. :) I sit on my porch swing and remember the boys playing in the driveway, lighting off fireworks every summer, running through sprinklers, riding bikes, and driving a Jeep around the circle. I look at the kids next door playing on our swing set and I remember my kids playing on that same swing set. I remember all of my boys' friends, from when they were small to where they are now. I've loved having them here for all kinds of reasons. Braylen recently used our driveway to teach one of his buddies how to change oil in his vehicle. Together with my boys, they bring so much life to our home.

Remembering all of these things and pondering them in my heart is all part of the process of letting go. I'll be ready, because Braylen is ready.

Braylen: Class of 2018

All of the years in school. All of the trips back and forth. All of the tests, homework, and study groups. All of the sporting events, practices, and times with the Rowdies. All of his friends! It's all led to this day. Our Braylen graduated from high school today.  

Congratulations, graduate!

Our family

Braylen's loving grandparents

On his way to his ceremony

All of the months of planning, shopping, and preparing. The guest list. The invitations. The food. The decorations. The pictures. All of the weather uncertainties. It's all led to this day. What a FUN party we had with our loved ones, celebrating Braylen!!!

Celebrating Braylen with a fun party!

He stood by the front door and greeted the guests.

The garage is transformed for a fun gathering space.

"He grew up in pictures."
Our graduation party theme!

I have so many thoughts, and so many emotions, but my overwhelming feeling right now is relief. We did it! He graduated, and we pulled off an amazing celebration. And for tonight, that is enough. :)

Aaron's 14, and I write every 6 months

I'm working on graduation party planning. That involves lots and lots of pictures. My blog is such a big help to me as I look for pictures to upload into shutterfly! But as I'm working away, sometimes I stop and read my posts from the years gone by and it's like a sucker punch to the gut. These years have really flown by.

From October (my last entry) to April, this school year is almost over. Although we're expecting a blizzard tomorrow, so I'm having a hard time believing Braylen's graduation party is really one month from today. But the calendar doesn't lie, even if the weather is confused.

First things first--Aaron is 14! My goodness, it's hard to believe. We let him open his main gifts last night, since today we knew Braylen would be in Omaha at a track meet, and Derek would be there watching him. Our Wii died a while back, and we've been using my parents' Wii. It finally died too. So with lots of changes up ahead, Derek and I figured it was time for another change. Aaron opened his PS4 last night, and all 3 of our boys are thrilled!

Braylen and Kaleb bought Aaron a blue remote

This morning we were all together as a family of 5, so we sang Happy Birthday to Aaron when he got out of the shower. I'll never forget him smiling ear to ear as we sang to him in the living room, dripping wet in his towel. :) Braylen and Kaleb left for school immediately after that.

The rest of today it's just Kaleb and me here with Aaron, so he opened the rest of his presents. I took him to drum lessons, out for cookies at Eileen's, and for supper he picked Raising Cane's. Then it was off to flag football practice. Thursdays for Aaron are busy days, and his birthday happened to fall on a Thursday!

Tonight he's playing Battlefront II with Kaleb, and they're doing lots of laughing and having fun. Braylen ran a great meet, and I'm thankful Derek could be there with him.

Let's see...what's new since October? We have a hot tub! It's amazing!! Derek really went above and beyond to fulfill one of my dreams of owning my own spa. Ahhhh. My job is going really well. I still love working at the surgery center. The mornings are early, but it allows me to work just a couple of days per week.

Kaleb's grown taller this year, passing Braylen up. He and Derek wear the same shoe size, and they share a pair of black dress shoes. Someday we'll have to buy Kaleb his own pair. Kaleb turned 16 and he's been driving the Honda to school and back. Those early morning swim practices sure were nice to have him drive himself to! He had an amazing swim season, and watching him swim is my favorite way to spend the months of January and February.

Braylen has grown very strong, and his brothers like to talk about how buff he's become. He's been accepted to Cedarville University, and he'll be majoring in Criminal Justice. His senior year of high school has been filled with tough classes and some fun ones, study groups, cross country, intramural basketball games, outings with friends, a camping trip in February, and prom with Ivy and his friends. He's working hard at track, calculus, AP Stats this spring.

For Christmas my parents came here, and we had snow on Christmas Day. My favorite memory from that time together was when Mom, Aaron, and I went in the hot tub on Christmas Eve and big, fat snowflakes fell gently onto our heads.

It's impossible to recount everything we did and experienced these last 6 months. But I can share what I'm trying to do right now. There's one month left before Braylen's done with school here at home. From preschool through high school, it's ending. I've been looking at August, and all the changes we'll be going through. Yes, we need to prepare for it. We need to figure out finances, teach Braylen how to manage finances, and get him ready for dorm life--college life--900+miles away from home. But in this next month--I need to set that aside. I need to live in the moment so that I don't miss a memory. These days are FUN! These days are EXCITING! These days are filled with reasons to CELEBRATE! I mean, he's worked all of his life to get to this point. I'm not going to miss it by worrying about all of the changes in August.

And so, that's our life right now. I don't want to miss a thing.