Check off another year

I don't love how fast these years with our kids keep flying by, or how I don't write about our memories anymore. I wonder if those two things are connected? Like, I'm out there "doing the thing," as Beth Moore says, which means I'm not at my computer writing about all of it.

Braylen's home from his first year of college. He's been home for a little over 2 weeks now. I LOVE having him back at home! Tomorrow is Kaleb and Aaron's last day of school. When I dropped Aaron off at his school this morning I realized that was the last time I would ever do that at our middle school. Ever. I probably won't ever have another reason to go inside the building, either. A friend asked me this morning if I'm sad or excited about it. I told her I'm a little sad with stages ending, but I've learned the new ones are worth celebrating, too. Nothing stays the same. We'll have a freshman and a senior in high school soon. Again, I don't love how fast these years with our kids keep flying by!

Spring break in Chicago with friends

Braylen's in my favorite city!

They took a trip to The Ark :)

He spent Easter weekend in Michigan with Emma

The biggest blessing at Cedarville University this year are these people!

Lots of people have asked me what it's like having Braylen back at home. I think he summed it up best when he came home from college and said, "It's great to be home, but I'm already excited to go back." That's the stage of life he's in right now, living in temporary homes. So how does it feel to be one of those temporary homes? It feels good and right. We take great delight in having him here--he brings life and love and laughter into our family. And when it comes time to release him again, it'll also be good and right. I can't explain it any better than that.

Kaleb went from boyhood to manhood in one year. Truly! Here's proof of that.

November 2018-November 2019

Kaleb has had an amazing junior year of high school. He's kept excellent grades, participated in a very busy marching band season, and an even busier swim season. He grew into the oldest brother at home, and is blessed with great friends. One thing about Kaleb that I think is extra special is how he is tuned in to other people's needs. It makes me feel lucky to be his mom. I wonder how God will use that in his future? This year he had to take a certain medication with some strong side effects, and we all prayed him through it. God took care of him, and last week he took the final pill. Yippee! His braces came off on 4/30, and life is good!

Kaleb hauled our Christmas tree home in his truck in the snow.
It looked like Derek's truck ornament :)

Kaleb at the start

Kaleb swims the backstroke

He did an official Cedarville visit and loved it!

He flew to Ohio in early May so he could road trip home with Braylen

He plays the trumpet AND the tenor saxophone

My new job is better than it was when I started it. Someone wisely told me not to even think about if I like it or not until I'd been there at least 2 months. She said that up until 2-6 months I would hate it, because it wasn't the wonderful job I left behind. She's so wise! I gave myself permission to hate it for 2 months. Little by little, as time went on, I found some things I liked in my new position. It's enough to keep me there, and so that's enough for now.

Derek switched positions in mid-April. He's still within the 2 month time frame, so it's safe to say he's not where I'm at yet. ;)

Derek and I took a weekend trip to Minnesota for my cousin's wedding...in February...which led to us getting stranded overnight in a blizzard on our way home. The wedding weekend was so much fun! I loved being with my family--the ones I see often, and the ones I only see every few years it seems. Getting home provided us with a story we'll never forget. We spent the night in a small hotel with no vacancy, where no travelers were turned away. The owner welcomed us with a warm place to stay safe from the storm, and we were thankful to not be stuck in our car on the highway!

We had more fun at the Mall of America than either of us ever thought we would!

My dad :)

Mom and I, then Derek and Dad, rode the log ride! Such fun!

The view from The Happy Gnome in St. Paul, where the rehearsal dinner took place.
It used to be a fire station back in the day, very cool!

Rehearsal dinner: my mom (in gray) with her siblings

Cousins Justin, Brandan (groom), Eric (my brother), Nick, Katherine, me, and Kate (bride)

Kate & Brendan

I think the last wedding on this side of the family that we attended together
was my brother's, and that was in 2001!

Eric and I having fun at the reception

Me and my honey!

Once upon a time Nick and I were the only cousins in this family :)
We're still very close.

My lovely cousin Katherine, sister of the groom, oh how I love her!

Our little nook where we spent the night on our way home
We were thankful to grab it when we did!

Quite an experience to share with 100+ other stranded travelers!
A local restaurant brought food for everyone, and the gas station provided water and pizza.

Grand Stay Hotel & Suites in Medalia, MN

And that wraps up the big wedding weekend!

Aaron's biggest news this spring involves band. He spent an entire Saturday auditioning for the high school drum line, and received a snare drum position! This is an incredible accomplishment for an incoming freshman, and the extra blessing is he'll be doing this with his cousin. Oh, the memories they will make! He still designs and prints his creations with his 3D printer. My cousin gave him access to a great design program, which is leaps and bounds better than what he had been using. He's also been growing taller, and that's very good news to a soon-to-be-freshman. :)

My favorite picture because it captures his true smile

Turning 15 means learning to drive!

Laughing with his cousins and brother

Running the 400 in 8th grade track

Getting ready to fly his super cool drone that he got for his birthday

All together after Aaron's band concert

We're ready for summer--Derek's been talking about summer since January I think. Jet skis, camping, lake trips, fireworks, family time...I can't wait! I guess it's not so sad the school year is ending after all. The new stages are worth celebrating, too. :)

Different and the Same

Well, we made it. We survived the college drop off, and Braylen's been there for 3 months now. He's doing really well, as we hoped and prayed (and knew) he would! More on that in a bit. Derek's been through Northwestern University's Police Command School. He studied really hard and finished his class with a high grade and some new ideas to implement at work. Kaleb, Aaron, and I survived our days and nights on our own. We took the good and the bad, the challenges and the surprises, and came out stronger because of it. And the best news of all? Braylen comes home for Thanksgiving break in 3 days. :)

Moving Braylen into his dorm room

Kaleb, Justin (Braylen's roommate) and Braylen walk to his dorm.

Lots of things are different now. 

Kaleb's become the older brother at home. He puts Aaron in his place like always, but he doesn't have Braylen here to do the same for him. With study groups, marching band, weight lifting, and swim team, Kaleb's gone a lot. Much more than during his sophomore year. About 2 weeks after Derek left for his training, Aaron sat at the kitchen table and said, "I feel like I lost my dad and both of my brothers at the same time." I knew exactly what he meant. I missed the everyday conversations that we all used to share. Aaron and I had plenty of time together, but we missed the rest of us.

On September 20th I found out my job is coming to an end in December. I was crushed to hear that our surgery center will be closing when our doctors join a different medical group. All of that work I went through to return to nursing--now what? I texted Derek and asked him to call me on his lunch break. He was a good listener, realizing I didn't have the answers to our questions. I clung to one truth: God brought me this far. He won't abandon me now.

With all of these changes we've been through this fall, what remains the same?

Braylen likes to remind me that he's away at college--he's not dead! We hear from him every day. He's still "here" in so many ways. Something will happen and we'll say, "Braylen would say (fill in the blank) if he were here right now." Our favorite way to stay connected as a family is through Snapchat. I never could have predicted how much I would LOVE Snapchat, but I do. Our communication is different than when we all lived at home, but the end result is the same. We're still a family. We're different, and we're the same.

One of many Snapchats

I visited Braylen during Parents Weekend.

We missed Derek! But I'm thankful I could go.

We stayed busy on weekends this fall at parades, football games, and marching competitions. Aaron ran cross country for his school. We absolutely loved going to every event our boys were in. Because Derek was away at Command School, the cross country meets became a place to see him during the week. He drove there in his own vehicle, and after the meet he went back to the academy. But we still cheered Aaron on together. It was different, and it was the same.

Determination

"A Pirate's Revenge"

8th Grade Marching Band

Kaleb front row trumpet!

Now that Derek's training is behind him, he's back on his shift at the PD. He's currently on nights. The Police Chief retired while Derek was away, and the new Chief starts in January. At least one Captain is retiring in January. Things are different for Derek at work, and they're also the same.

I'm so proud of him!

My job is winding down at the surgery center. I've applied and interviewed for a new job, and last week I accepted the offer. I'll be working in the Endoscopy unit at a hospital here in town. Instead of orthopedic procedures, I'll be getting patients ready and recovering them from endoscopic procedures. Also, my coworkers accepted jobs at the same hospital. Three of them will be in the Endoscopy unit with me. It will be different, and it will be the same. 

I love my coworkers and my job. I'm excited for what's next!

It's ironic that I don't like change, and yet I've had plenty of it these past few months. If you didn't know me, you'd think my life was a bad country song. My son left home, my husband moved out, and I lost my job. Ha! 

Through it all, I have experienced God-sized provision and peace. I can see God preparing me for this fall all along. 20 years of Derek's shift changes, working holidays and weekends, prepared me to be without him for 10 weeks. Braylen's transition to college was natural and right. He was ready for the next step, and we're very blessed with ways to keep in touch. Kaleb's greater independence is necessary, because all too soon it will be his turn to leave home. Like so many things in life, the anticipation and worry of what's to come is worse than walking through it. And since God brought me back to nursing, of course He opened up another door for me to walk through. This new job happens to pay better, so that's definitely a plus!

Thanksgiving is next week, and it's always been my favorite time of year. Now it's even MORE special to me. God has shown me in 2018 that if He brings me to it, He will walk me through it. That's more than enough of a reason to have a thankful heart. 

And my boy is coming home!!!!!!!

Everything's Changing

We're taking Braylen to college in 17 days, and this is what I'm feeling right now.

I've reached the point where tears spring up all the time for me, with no warning, and it's a battle to keep them from spilling over. A song, a laugh, a look, a memory...it doesn't take much. I walked into his room today to wash his sheets and realized next time we put new sheets on his bed it will be the one in his dorm room.

His birthday is 2 weeks from today, so birthday prep and college readiness all gets rolled up into one big emotional package. And to tie it all up with a big red bow? The day after we return from taking Braylen to school in Ohio, Derek leaves home for three months to attend Command School, a requirement for work.

I am trusting that God will provide for my every need, because right now it just feels like a whole lot of hurt and pain.

I'm going to miss the way we were. Braylen will come home again, but things will never be as they are right now. I'm living in the last days, so to speak, of almost 19 years of parenting. Soon we will watch Braylen leave us and begin his future, his life apart from us.

I remember how I felt as the new college freshman. My parents released me well, and I want to give that same gift to my son. He's excited to start college, and if I set aside the loss I will endure, I'm excited for him! Truly, there is great joy in these last days at home.

We've had really wonderful vacations together as a family this summer. We went camping in the Black Hills at our favorite campground, revisiting some of our favorite stops and exploring some new ones. It rained almost the entire time, but that gave us lots of family time in the camper that we wouldn't have had on sunny days. We also took a trip to Colorado with all of our extended family, the third time we've done this at "The Big House" in Tabernash. For an entire week we had fun together, kind of like our last hurrah of summer, without the outside influences of "real life." I'm extremely thankful for those vacations.

There are many times this summer where I've allowed myself to remember the good old days. :) I sit on my porch swing and remember the boys playing in the driveway, lighting off fireworks every summer, running through sprinklers, riding bikes, and driving a Jeep around the circle. I look at the kids next door playing on our swing set and I remember my kids playing on that same swing set. I remember all of my boys' friends, from when they were small to where they are now. I've loved having them here for all kinds of reasons. Braylen recently used our driveway to teach one of his buddies how to change oil in his vehicle. Together with my boys, they bring so much life to our home.

Remembering all of these things and pondering them in my heart is all part of the process of letting go. I'll be ready, because Braylen is ready.

Braylen: Class of 2018

All of the years in school. All of the trips back and forth. All of the tests, homework, and study groups. All of the sporting events, practices, and times with the Rowdies. All of his friends! It's all led to this day. Our Braylen graduated from high school today.  

Congratulations, graduate!

Our family

Braylen's loving grandparents

On his way to his ceremony

All of the months of planning, shopping, and preparing. The guest list. The invitations. The food. The decorations. The pictures. All of the weather uncertainties. It's all led to this day. What a FUN party we had with our loved ones, celebrating Braylen!!!

Celebrating Braylen with a fun party!

He stood by the front door and greeted the guests.

The garage is transformed for a fun gathering space.

"He grew up in pictures."
Our graduation party theme!

I have so many thoughts, and so many emotions, but my overwhelming feeling right now is relief. We did it! He graduated, and we pulled off an amazing celebration. And for tonight, that is enough. :)