For 11 years I loved on my babies, cared for my toddlers, and played with my preschoolers. As my oldest son grew up and went to school, I comforted myself with the fact that I still had his younger brothers at home with me. They needed me during those 7 hours he was in school. Then my middle son started school, and I clung to my baby boy like the lifeline he was. He would always be here with me, right? I snuggled with him and lived my life with him while his brothers were in school. We went for walks and painted pictures and read books. He came shopping with me and was my constant companion in the van as we drove around town. Even when he went to preschool for a few hours a week, I'd pick him up and we'd eat lunch together every day. Just me and my little boy.
Then Monday came. I walked him into school and let him go. Just like that, and my life is so very different. One day we're together, and the next day we're not. What took 11 years to build only takes one day to bring down. That's a lot for me to take in.
For years I told myself not to look for my significance in my kids, because one day they would be gone. But I confess that I didn't listen to that advice very well. I have greater confidence when my kids are with me. People smile at me when my cute little blond son is with me. Now I'm just me, and it feels a little scary. Like a part of me that was once there is not there anymore.
Allowing myself the freedom to feel these emotions this morning feels good. After being strong for my son, I can fall apart while he's gone. And after a few days of feeling like this, my new season of life will seem good and right. My mother-in-law told me this time allows me to rebuild and renew myself for the new things that come with growing boys. I love those words.
Braylen, 11 years old, 5th grade
Kaleb, 8 years old, 3rd grade
Aaron, 6 years old, kindergarten
"What the heart has once owned, it shall never lose." -Henry Ward Beecher
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